You can offer but not control: Lessons from parenthood and life

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned as a new parent is this: you can offer, but you cannot control. While I can offer my baby choices, comfort, and guidance, I’ve realised that I cannot control how much they eat, when they sleep, or what they prefer. I’ve also discovered that this principle applies to life as a whole, and can be a powerful and very liberating self-help approach. 🐣🌺

I therefore decided to write this blog post at the time of year when we’re making resolutions to grow, better ourselves, perhaps worry less, and have a better new year all around! 🎉🎁🪩

A mother and baby peacefully sleeping

Baby Lessons

Part A: Sleep

Back to the baby examples: When my baby was born, we set up a lovely cot, complete with revolving bunnies overhead, dancing to a soothing lullaby. We put it at the “optimal” place inside the bedroom. But guess what? My baby decided that staying close to me felt safest, and much cosier! 🐇🩷💙

Trying to set an early bedtime also went out of the window. In my experience now, a baby will sleep only when they are tired but also done playing for the day. Much like Katy Perry, we are often wide awake! 🛌🙅‍♂️👙🌺

Part B: Food

When we introduced solid foods, my baby made it clear they wanted to hold the spoon and control the pace. In fact, they accepted spoon-feeding only when they’ve had enough baby-led weaning practice, so they knew that food was (most likely) not a poison or part of an evil scheme to take away their milk! So, it’s moments like these that have taught me to trust my baby’s instincts. 🍓🍔🥑

Here’s what I’ve deduced from these experiences: Offering choices doesn’t mean controlling the outcome, and that’s been a liberating realisation. It’s a reminder that while we can offer opportunities and support, we very often must allow others, and life itself, to unfold in their own way. 🕹️🧘‍♀️

Part C: Boundaries

Of course, there were times when I had to step in. Not everything can be left to chance, and certain boundaries are necessary for safety and wellbeing. For example, when my baby would try to eat things they shouldn’t, like phone chargers or other (yummy) dangerous objects, I had to intervene! 🔌🔋

A toddler eating a bagel, instead of a charger

So now, we move on to the general life learnings!

Trusting Yourself vs. Trusting Life

Learning when to trust yourself and when to trust life (or others, including your baby 👶🏻 ) is a delicate balance, and it’s shaped by our past experiences. Trusting yourself is about trusting your judgment when it comes to what you can offer and when you need to step in. 🧘‍♀️🤞🏃‍♀️

Trusting life or others, however, often feels riskier. It involves letting go and having faith in things beyond your control, like trusting that others will make the right choices, or that life will unfold as it should. 🤞😌🌺

For many, past experiences influence this balance. If you’ve been hurt or let down, trusting others or letting life take the reins can feel overwhelming. It’s a process that takes time and reflection, but learning to differentiate between when you need to trust yourself and when to release control can help you grow. It can also, more crucially, help you worry less and enjoy life more! 👯🤩🚘

A dad and young child holding hands

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy can be a powerful tool in learning when to trust your instincts and when to step back and let go. A therapist can help you explore the experiences that have shaped your ability to trust, both in yourself and in others. 🙏👀🤩

By working through any doubts or fears, therapy helps you reconnect with your inner voice, so you can confidently know when to follow your instincts and when it’s time to release control. It’s a supportive space where you learn to differentiate between healthy boundaries and when to lean into trust, empowering you in all areas of life (including, but not limited, to parenthood). 😎💪🐨

A therapy session

Life, much like a baby, will find its rhythm when you allow it the space to do so!🎵👶🏻

A child dancing happily